Written by Alex of Maccabee Mountain
This is a testimony about how one man learned that lust cannot save a marriage, only love can. So what is the difference?
In the year of 2005, I received news that changed my life forever… Cassandra, was pregnant! I was only the tender age of 21 upon receiving this news, she was 19. What ensued next was a blur of preparation, me trying to learn how to become a man, preparing to be a father, but forgetting to focus on what it means to be a husband.
Cassandra gave birth to twin boys, healthy and strong but paid the price shortly after. It was a C-section and hours after the surgery, I had taken a nap in the hospital room, exhausted from the ordeal. Cassandra was resting in bed, holding her babies as her mother tended to them both. Suddenly I awoke with the feeling that something was wrong. I looked over and my wife and mother-in-law carrying about their business; all was good. I began to look around the room trying to shake this feeling of alarm when all of the sudden, disaster struck. Cassandra began to seizure violently and her mother began to scream for help. I jumped off of the couch to call for a nurse. A nurse came running and I ran to my wife. I saw her eyes rolled back into her head as her body convulsed. My mother had the sense to take hold of the baby and put him back in the crib along side his brother. Cassandra was rushed to receive an emergency MRI, having multiple seizures throughout.
It just so happened that on this day, there was a congregation of doctors from across Canada at this hospital, each a specialist in their own field. Upon hearing the news of this young woman who just gave birth to twins, having multiple seizures, three doctors came rushing over; the top Neurosurgeon, the top Cardiologist, and our Obstetrician. They decided to take on this case and try to help figure out what was happening with Cassandra but none of them seemed to be very hopeful of the outcome. I was warned at this point, by the Neurosurgeon that it does not look good for her and that I need to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome. I was told that it may be likely that IF she survives this, she may never be the same again. She may never come out of her coma, if she comes out of her coma, she may not remember who she is, how to speak or even have the ability to function as an adult, because of the magnitude of her seizures.
Cassandra spent the night in a coma, I spent the night knelt at her side in prayer. A day later, Cassandra awoke from her coma but could not speak, only muffled sounds and later some gibberish is uttered from her lips. But her eyes look at me with love and she is able to take hold of my hand; a sign that she recognizes me and remembers our love. A team of expert doctors work hard and trying to figure out what had happened but in the end, they can only offer theories, nothing concrete… they were just as clueless as I was. Within a few days Cassandra begins to speak again and after some weeks, she makes a full recovery. God had answered my prayers.
I was an extremely immature 21 year old, having gained most of my experience in life from a street sense; partying and drug use, fornicating and violence were my hobbies. But after my incident with Cassandra’s near death experience, I vowed to be a better man. Within a year of the birth of my twins, I started a job as a correctional officer in a maximum security prison for men. I ended up serving what I called a “life sentence”, serving my community for the next 15 years. However, this new job nearly took my life and my marriage. Back in this time, a maximum security prison was a lot like Gladiator school. Only the toughest officers had respect; violence was a constant and the threat of violence was always looming. This institution causes all men to go through an existential change. Most of us (correctional officers) turn to drinking, drugs, hard partying and filthy dark humor to cope with all that we have to endure. I was no exception.
At the same time of this “new me”, Cassandra was going through University, part time, trying to finish a degree in a double major of Biology and Psychology. Cassandra is an honor student, an overachiever, she knows no other way. Unfortunately, as Cassandra dedicated herself to her studies, she neglected her husband and her children. I would come home from a tough twelve hour shift to find her completely disheveled, studying away while two screaming babies in dirty diapers crawled around on the floor. My newly rekindled love for sin and her neglect became the perfect formula for an unhappy marriage. Within very little time, we had decided that we would divorce.
It was agreed between us both that I would continue to support Cassandra as she went through school but after she graduated, we would begin to finalize the divorce legally. We continued to live together, and argue regularly. We tried to experiment with unhealthy sexual practices in an attempt to continue to feel any form of love, but lustful pleasures are no substitute. Cassandra graduated from University with honors, and then the tough discussion came.
I brought it up again, “we have to finalize our divorce”. Cassandra was now relieved of her bondage to the institution of education and was ready to re-visit the sanctity of marriage. She offered a different solution, one that I did not even understand at the time “why don’t we give God a chance, see if He can save our marriage?” and with that offer, another journey had begun.
Both of us began going back to what we knew, attending a catholic church, as we had both been raised in this religion. For over a year, we had attended church regularly but, at the same time, I picked up my bible and began to read it. I began to believe what I had read and I wanted to experience God in the way that these scriptures described. Scripture says that “God does not Change” and this is why we can hope in Him, this is why we can count on Him, because He is the same loving God today as he was yesterday. I quickly began to see that “the church” and the stories of the bible were at odds with each other, the two did not align. This meant that only one of them could be telling the truth, either the church is the truth and the way to God’s heart or not. I did not know what to do or where to go with this understanding so I turned to God. For the very first time, I spoke to Him directly, I asked Him for a sign “If you want me to stay in this church, I will…but… if you want me to leave this church, please give me a sign”. I was in my car when I said this prayer and then I drove home. I pulled up into my driveway and there, hanging from my door, was a sign!
My heart was pounding as questions and confusion raced through me “God doesn’t give LITERAL signs does He?” I walked up to the door thinking about the question I had asked “if you want me to leave the catholic church…give me a sign”. I pull the sign off the door, it was a pamphlet for a different church, a baptist church! So with this, I learned that God hears my prayers and He is actually answering them if I am willing to see and follow His signs.
This era was the beginning of a journey with me and Yahushua, learning how to let go of religion and all the boxes that we have attempted to put The Creator of our universe in and instead, to learn how to build a very direct and trusting relationship with Him. In return, my heart began to soften and new avenues of love opened up once again for my wife, my children and my life. Shortly after learning that we can hear God’s very real and tangible Voice, real change began in my marriage. The biggest revelation I had ever received regarding relationship was this: If you want to see change in your loved one, you be the change first. Jesus began dealing with about pointing my finger at Cassandra, demanding to see her change. Jesus took the finger I was pointing at her and turned it 180 degrees so that it was pointing at me “remove the plank in your own eye before you try to remove the splinter from your brothers eye”. I began to change in the way that I wanted to see her change, working hard at showing more love, being attentive to her needs, dedicating my time to my children, laughing and being joyous.
Over time, our marriage transformed into something new, something neither of us had felt before, love! It was time for a real marriage and Yahushua had given us the way. Many things changed: from our ability to recognize the others needs to the need to want to please the other, we were a team again. Our marriage began to resemble something of perfection. One complaint that continued to nag at me and her both, one tiny little issue that just did not seem to improve…sex!
The number one issue that couples complain about is their sex life. Ultimately the same theme is repeated over and over; one partner feels there is not enough sex and the other feels that there is too much pressure on them for more sex. We have been taught that “this is just the way it is” usually men want too much of women and women should not have to put up with it. Cassandra and I asked instead “why can’t our desires align?”. Wow, what a thought, what if both partners were in agreement with each other on the frequency of sex, with the level of intimacy in sex, with understanding what makes the other happy through sex.
Cassandra and I got to prayer on this, asking Yahushua “please increase Cassandra’s desire and passion for our intimacy” while I prayed “please give me understanding on how I can show her love the way she needs it”. What got revealed was this: we needed to clean up our marriage bed. That was the hardest endeavor we have pursued with each other, learning how to “make love” and not “have sex”.
Sex is filled with lust. Lustful pleasures and love are like oil and water, the two will seemingly come together, but after a short time, it will separate. We are taught to “spice up your marriage” using worldly things and there are kinks and fetishes of all kinds to help keep sex interesting. When sex stops being interesting, more spice is needed for flavour. The senses continue to grow numb and before you know it, sex has become a freak show, unholy and unsustainable. But love is everlasting.
As soon as I began cleaning my thoughts, not expecting my wife to be a porn star in bed but instead, to just love me as she can; things changed. I started cleaning my thoughts which in turn cleaned up my outward expressions. I no longer needed “entertainment” in the bedroom, I had love to sustain me. It stopped becoming about outside influences and became about intimacy, inward expressions manifesting through deep emotion. The best sex we have have had, after 22 years of knowing each other, was the most simple. We learned how to connect in bed and the sensations of these experiences have been far more rewarding. This is sex as we were designed to have, not in the way the world has deceived us. Through all this, the frequency has increased on her part and my thirst gets quenched for longer periods. It turned out that the old ways created emptiness and separation, the new way created bonding and a mutual need for more.
A huge reason for my need to change came when The Lord showed me that a man’s destiny is best unlocked when his wife is seated beside him in her position. A greater destiny is fulfilled when the two become one flesh. Every man, especially those who have been led by The Holy Spirit, has yearning for purpose, a passion to see what his potential and purpose is on this earth. But what does unlocking a destiny look like? How does one even begin to seek out their destiny? This is a truth that has been a journey in learning who I am in Christ.